I owed myself tears
I find myself in a unfamiliar place.
A place reached only through slowness.
In a circle are placed countless mirrors
Unusually so, as mirrors are a strange experience for me in the real world
I see my own reflection, with unrecognising eyes.
Wonderment about who looks back like that?
But, the mirrors are not the hardest part of this unusual place.
It is finding forgotten experiences that makeup
what I thus far called ‘myself’
looking back at me,
each memory privileged with its own mirror.
My body’s wisdom brought me here.
It seems like it had been bookmarking moments impeccably
when the mind chose repression for safety and sanity.
In this strange place, with these intimate but as of yet impersonal memories,
I find myself like a lost tourist in an uncomingly place.
The horror in the eyes in those mirrors
seems too real, to be my own.
The pain in her young heart too deep
to ever be fully felt.
Like watching a tragedy on screen, and suddenly seeing our own face replacing the actor’s.
Like the saddest story ever heard, turned out to be our own.
There is a bench rightly placed in the center.
I sit there, frozen and fraught.
my tongue gone numb, the only language
available is tears.
tears of things, I did not know I could make tears of
tears of rage,
of tragedy,
of bewilderment,
of anguish,
of despair,
of hopelessness,
of loneliness,
of how in debt I have been to myself for my own attention.
over drafting my lifeforce for others.
accruing interest in depression, anxiety, and fatigue
until I went bankrupt on my desire to live.
Face swollen from sobs
I find myself exhausted, lifeless almost, on my knees,
hands raised like a wild creature giving its loudest howl before dying
Prayer, the last resort comes through without choice in an unspoken but loud voice
To everything that has mercy I call,
I cannot do this alone
this is too much to bear for one heart.
I wish no more to be brave.
I wish fervently for gentleness,
kindness and unwavering love.
I wish to receive, nay I need to receive.
Hold me, anything with mercy and arms.
Hold me tight as I grieve my own tragedies one at a time.
Hold me as I spill the trillion tears I owe my wounded heart.