In Love & Rage
Self Portrait of the two poles of my being. Rage & Love. The union of these two is the truth I am married too.
My rage is innocence denied. Joy interupted. Choice confiscated. Pleasure impregnated with danger. Body terrorized.
My rage is made up of a million unspoken NOs, muted screams of STOP.
My rage is a loud ‘YOU LET ME DOWN’ to those in whose care I was bestowed. To society. To history. To culture.
My rage was made the day my body’s boundary was violated by a trusted other.
My rage took birth 3 years after i was born.
A 3-year-olds nervous system cannot hold the kind of rage that erupted in me that day. I became unconscious just by the heat generated in my body. And it has taken 31 years for my nervous system to build up its capacity to feel this ancient rage without fainting or dissociating. It has taken hours and hours of somatic experiencing therapy along with group therapy for 3 hours, 4 days a week for months.
Beloveds if you love me, then you must love my rage. It is the North Pole to my South Pole- love.
My dedication in this life is to make love to my rage and let my rage fuck my love.
Together they create the alchemical properties of the Clean Kali Sword.
The sword of truth, that Liberates. Integrates. Regenerates. Transforms.
The sword that cuts with precision to heal, never ever harm but hurts nonetheless. Truth that cuts through ignorance, fear, denial, complacency, inertia, and amnesia.
I beseech you my beloveds to learn to love it if you have to. Learn to unlearn what respect means. Learn to see a woman expressing rage as a signpost of liberation for us ALL.
I ask for your consent with folded palms. Let my truth penetrate your core. Suspend thinking just long enough to feel it’s alchemy.
If my tongue-sword inflicts hurt on any of you my beloveds, I ask for your understanding. I ask that you hold it with privilege and honor as an act of service. I ask you to feel it rather than fear it. Its power can be felt only through love. If you cannot do that yet, there is still fear lurking in front of your awareness.
Rage and Love combined is my weapon for Sapiens and Gaia.
Help me help us beloveds. Spread the legs of your heart and let my truth penetrate you unconditionally.
In Love & Rage
Kâli Sapien