The Unseen Grief of Immigrants

On February 12th 2020, I became a citizen of the US. This is also the day I gave up  my Indian citizenship because I cannot hold dual citizenship.  

One year on here are my thoughts:

1) Immigration is a unique bittersweet experience.

2) Whenever I told people about my new citizenship, across the board, they congratulated me and that still feels uncomfortable. 

3) This discomfort is akin to grief for me. Unseen grief of being an immigrant. Coming here as a 25-year-old meant that my identity, knowledge and existence  of the world around me, treasure trove of memories and relationships which were all formed by landscapes, scents, flavors, faces, cultures, and languages of my home country seem to have faded over the last 8 years; some lost never to be restored. This grief every immigrant carries. What shapes us leaves deep impressions, and losing that no matter why, when, and how is painful. 

4) The discomfort is also a symptom of further complexity of this experience. Nevertheless, I am grateful to be a citizen of the US. I am grateful for all the opportunities that have become options for me only because this is my new home now.

5)  The discomfort also comes from the notion of belongingness which is so unique for immigrants. And while I predominantly feel like ‘other’ in America, yet I choose to belong here; choose to love this country just as much I love my former home;  choose to see all its cracks with acceptance; choose to recognize the marks of soot on its story; above all, choose the incessant necessity to observe the unacknowledged wrongdoings to many ‘others’.  

7) Holding honorably both my gratitude and grief for this new country, combined with gratitude and grief for losing my  earlier home, is what being an immigrant means to me. I can never  get transformed completely into being an American for there is too much Indian in all my nooks and crannies, and I love all of it. Nonetheless, my Indianness  has also changed forever and cannot be what it was before I reached San Francisco, CA on 21st August 2013.

IMG_6009.jpg

A short poem to my new and former country:

US, you gave me knowledge,  but India you gave me wisdom.

US, you gave me opportunity, but India you gave me fulfillment.

You gave me technology, but you gave me soul.

You taught me to think, but you taught me to feel.

You both are equally precious,

incomplete without the other

and you are colliding within me

making a greater whole

Kâli SapienComment