Sincerity, the antidote to the pain of failure

Life is showing me through death and loss, how fallible I am. How I fail regularly at upholding my virtues in relationships. How I cause pain and hurt to the very people I care about and love deeply. I know, understand, and see these impacts of my choices always in hindsight, sometimes when it is too late.

I wonder why this is. Why do I not see and hear others? And the truth that comes is that because I have not seen my own pain for so long. I have not felt my own experience of life.

And as I sit here today grappling with ending relationships of deep value to me, I fall into a cycle of self-hate. Of wanting to make myself better and better. And even in that, there is a grasping, an avoidance, a resistance to the pain I feel and I have made others feel.

If becoming better and improving is not the way? What is? I ask the Goddess. I ask her how I can discern when my choices are not guided by Her but by my own unconscious patterns. And her answer is difficult. I cannot hit the bullseye of discernment every single time. That imperfection is baked into my reality as a sapien. That struggle also is the inspiration to BE love.

So then how must I hold this pain, this loss, this recurrent failure, and to BE love?

I have so far held the delusion that since I am in the practice of being Love, people will see that truth and choose to stay, choose to work through things when rupture arises. But what I am learning today is a more humbling form of letting go. Being love is as much about being earnest in reconciliation and repair as much as it is about grieving and letting go. Accepting and allowing the choice to disconnect, to distance, to go on separate ways.

There is spiritual dissonance here for me. For I feel a connectedness to all those who chose separation, even years later. I feel a love thread in my heart still holding them, wondering for their wellness, praying for their aliveness. That often makes me long to bridge the disconnect between us and I often do make attempts, send a poem, ask a question, and share what’s on my heart as vulnerably as I can. And many times these attempts are met with the stark pinch of silence. Of no response. And while this silence has hurt me so deeply in the past, today I feel myself accepting it. Honoring it.

There is a part of me that wonders if it is easier to just cut these love-threads from my heart.

No, comes the answer from the goddess. The task of Kâli Sapien is to just be here, no matter what. To hold onto these love threads as well as the nudges of bridging they inspire and receive the pain of silence that may come after. This is not easy. It is gut-wrenching. Heartbreaking. It is accepting heartache as a constant truth of my experience.

This reminds me of an image from a beautiful documentary I saw a few years ago. On Archery. Specifically the Zen practice of Archery. Kyodo in Japanese as taught by Awe Sensei. This documentary was like watching art. Like being in spiritual discourse.

Takeuchi Masakuni, attempting the highest level mastery examination for the 16th year in a row. In One Shot-One Life by EmptyMind films.

The movie explains the difference between the goal of hitting the target and winning AND shooting as a spiritual practice.

“When we face the target it is like a mirror that reflects our heart. We must confront ourselves in this mirror.”

The scene that never leaves me from that movie is the final shot of Takeuchi Masakuni at the highest level tournament (8th Dan) releasing his bow with an expression on his face that I can only describe as poetry, as serene and sincere.

This examination was not about hitting the bullseye. He has been hitting both shots most years. That was a given at this level of competition. The judges were looking for beauty and sincerity in the heart/face of the archer. A translation of their humanity through the bow.

This image of him releasing the arrow with such sincerity comes after we learn that for the 17th time, this Master has failed. It is heartbreaking. Failure comes after such deep determination, practice, and perseverance again after 16 years of trying.

“The way of the bow is about being able to manifest or express our concealed power”

How does one judge what is beautiful and what is sincere? How do sapiens know that to award it to another?

The answer I have for now is one feels it. In the being. In their heart. And it is not awarded by another sapien. But by life itself. By the divine.

So as I sit here allowing for my failures to humble me, allowing my virtues to soften to this pain. Allowing my sense of self to both die and be beautified. I give gratitude for the sincerity I muster. In how I BE in relationships. I trust that sincerity and its beauty is felt by life, by the divine. I trust that I will learn to feel the pain I cause sooner and sooner. I trust in my devotion.

“Hitting a hundred shots out of a hundred shots
what is so entertaining about punching holes in paper?
What is true hitting?
True hitting is done with sincerity.”

Awa Sensei